middayeclipse's Notes From All Over The Place

Sometimes you've got to poke the bear

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:34:33 GMT

"It's not rape if you don't remember it, and besides, we're ret-con telling you now that they signed a consent waiver" sexism, "we are striving for an international representation of population, look we even have a black man and a lesbian asian woman" racism, "you aren't a fan if you question the show and stop posting idiot comments on plot holes that are big enough to swallow the Death Star, just pretend you don't see them" egoism and other notes from the SGC.

Stargate: Universe is the third series in the franchise. I thought the original movie was good. I adored Stargate: SG-1. I watched a lot of Stargate: Atlantis. And I was excited for Stargate: Universe, which has now aired seven episodes.

I wanted to like this show. Honour bright, I did. Then I heard such names as Robert Carlyle, Ming Na, Lou Diamond Phillips and got excited about the quality actors. I knew that it was going to be a "new" stargate - darker, edgier. I was prepared to give up some of the humour for some more serious characters. I could lose some aliens of the week for harder issues. I was prepared to negotiate.

I got screwed.

The levels of my disappointment are staggering. They (Actors/writers/creators) keep telling us to "keep watching, be patient, it's coming". Please. Networks are cancelling shows after 2 episodes. How much slack should we give you?

I was aware of the failings of the previous shows, also helmed by Robert Cooper, Joseph Mallozzi and Brad Cooper.  The lamentable and often mocked introduction of Captain Samantha Carter on SG-1 worried me about the treatment of women on this show. For those of you who don't know, this is how it went:

Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Sam Carter: Oh, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

Cringe-worthy, huh? But it got better and I happily handwaved a lot of unaddressed issues about female characters. Then there was the lack of non-white characters (unless they weren't human) and this too grated. But overall it was fun and I wasn't too personally offended so I let it go. Mea culpa.

Atlantis got worse. The one African-American main cast member was turned into a psychotic alien by the end of the series. The other A-A cast members were aliens. The woman leading the expedition was replaced by another, and then by a man. The remaining females became love interests or crushes to the men.  They also ended up in tanks and poptops because while, it seems, while male warriors need full uniforms and armour, women don't.

Oh, and there are no gay people in space.

I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I started looking into Universe and seeing that they had dropped all pretensions about sexism, racism and military protocol. One person refers to it as Stargate: 90210. It's so close that it's not funny.

Seven episodes in to Universe and this is what we have:

Premise: an off-world base was bombed and people fled through the gate with only the supplies they could carry.

Col. Young recently ended some kind of illicity relationship with medic Lt. Johanson (pilot)
Lt. Scott who had closet sex with Lt James when he was supposed to be on duty (pilot).
Lt. Scott has sex with a civilian Chloe while he was supposed to be on duty (ep 4 or 5).
Repeated boob-shots of Lt. James.
Civilian tech genius Eli spies on a sleeping Lt. James.
Chloe has a shower; the lights go out; Eli comes in while she gets dressed. (BTW, she had the shower during a water shortage.)
Through a body-switching technology, Col. Young returns to Earth and visits his wife and she is upset that he is stranded with a woman with whom he had an affair (ep 6). A flashback in ep 7 reveals it is Lt. Johanson.

And in a flashback to the whole Supernatural "Sam boffing Ruby" debacle...

Using the body-switching technology, Col. Young has sex with his wife. Please remember, this is in someone else's body. To add interest, the borrowee (Col. Telford) got his body back for a second, bringing new meaning to coitus interruptus, so he knows.

So far, the creators have, post-airing, wanked that this was not rape.

SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT:

They also said that it is going to happen again.

Then I found Gate Fail. I was livid for two days as I went through more entries. Summary: a useless quadriplegic white female scientist on Earth who has never experienced intimacy is going to switch bodies with the married Asian lesbian administrator and then get giggy with the white male scientist whom the Asian lesbian already turned down for a sexual encounter. This is after another male shipmate has turned down her advances because "Wray (body owner) would not want to." Go ahead - count the ways your head is going to explode.

Even knowing the history, I am holding my breath because one commenter made the following observation. Rush (the male scientist) strips down Eleanor (in Wray's body), and then the scene stops. There is a chance (hello, snowball, welcome to hell) that:
1. Eleanor will realize this is wrong.
2. Rush will realize this is wrong.
3. Wray will return to her body in time to stop it.
4. They will be interrupted.

This is not the first time that Stargate execs have bypassed the various definitions of rape.  But it may be the first time that they have offended so many people/groups/fans at the same time.

I encourage you to follow all the links. Admittedly, some of them get a little hysterical. Most are righteously pissed off, based upon passed experiences with the franchise. Also, remember, we don't know what the whole episode will look like.  But it's not looking promising so far. Also, they (SG:U) issued an apology. Nobody thought much of it, but they did apologize. Kinda.

Other complaints:
1. the military leaders continually makes bad, bad, bad judgement calls. The writers used to have military advisers to use.
2. the only A-A character is an angry black man with discipline problems.
3. how are they going to address all the sex with no birth control on board?
4. they completely ret-conned the character of Jack O'Neill... and I loved him.
5. the female administrator has administrated twice in 7 eps, the medic has medic-ed a few times, the senator's daughter has done nothing useful at all, and the other female lieutenant (James) has boobs. The writers pointed out that James lead a team through the gate but if you have to point it out and she has done nothing since then, it shouldn't count.

It's like a train wreck. I can't look away. But there is not chance in HELL of me ever going further.  I may not even watch the whole season. Generally, I buy the DVDs of seasons I like. I have never considered the Atlantis DVDs,   Perhaps my subconscious was warning me of what was to come.

IF they address the "sex in another person's body" thing next week, I may consider watching. But if they screw up, for the first time I am determined to take this to the streets. Or at least the show, the network and the advertisers. I understand that the whole season has been shot already. But if after two series and 15 years of television, the creators still don't have this concept down, they don't deserve to have shows anymore.

But if you won't read my script...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:33:27 GMT

A fellow screenwriting student brought this article/rant to my attention.

A professional (Oscar-winning) screenwriter named Josh Olson got cornered at a party and reluctantly agreed to read his friend's boyfriend's project. He provided feedback. The friend's boyfriend then called him a dick for the critique. Josh, understandably pissed at the response to his granting of the favour, then wrote this rant about how he is never going to read another script from a casual acquaintance because he always comes off looking like a dick whether he gives the feedback or if he declines to read it in the first place.

"I will not read your fucking script" by Josh Olson

repost with even more comments

There are literally hundreds and hundreds of comments. Some people agree with Mr. Olson. Other people berate his religion and tell him he deserves to be raped because he is a dick. Personally, I think the split seems to be between those who always get asked for favours and those who always do the asking and then bitch that the favour done wasn't well enough to satisfy them.

I think the rant was awesome. And apropos. I'm going to have some scripts ready to go out soon. I'm going to be asking people for the favour of looking at them. I will take this advice to heart and find a respectful way of doing it and, if they agree, I will be grateful for their time and feedback.

Fringe, V and other TV viewing

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 17:59:14 GMT

The new season is well underway and most shows have aired at least one episode.

Since someone you know is no longer reviewing "Bones", if you miss the snark and/or are a fan of "Fringe", check out the recaps from the first two episodes:

Fringe 2.01 - New Day in the Old Town

Fringe 2.02 - Night of Desireable Objects

Chances are that TV Overmind has news about your other favourite shows.

Speaking of other shows, one I have been looking forward to may not come to pass. "V", based on the series from the 80's, was supposed to be a midseason series starting in January 2010. Then, it had a November 2009 release for the first 6 of the 13 planned episodes. Now ABC is staying that they will release the first 4 episodes in November and do the rest in the new year. Count it up, folks. That is 2 release dates and 3 different sets of episodes... and it hasn't even aired yet. Is it any wonder that more and more people are watching on the web? Thank goodness the WGA stood to its guns during the Writers Strike. Otherwise they'd be righteously screwed.

New Shows: I really enjoyed "FlashForward", much to my surprise. "NCIS-Los Angeles" was a little disappointing but I'll stick it out for a while. "Accidentally on Purpose" is a disaster waiting to happen. Oh, wait, it did and that's the premise. I wouldn't say "The Vampire Diaries" bite, but they are close. I tried "Melrose Place" but couldn't follow through. They shouldn't take it personally; I didn't watch the original either.

Returning Shows: "Supernatural" is on at the same time as "Fringe", and since I don't have a DVR I end up watching it the following Wednesday. The first episode was good, the second was so-so. "The Mentalist" did it right. So did "Big Bang Theory", and "How I Met Your Mother". "CSI:NY" was take it or leave it, and I skipped "CSI:Miami" for "Castle" and think I made the right choice.

Somebody is SO VERY THANKFUL that she gave up recapping "Bones" because after watching the first two episodes she would have shot herself in the head to make the stupidity go away.

Really, the only other premiere I am waiting for is "Stargate: Universe" which is 2 hours on October 2nd. I saw a commercial and Jack (O'Neill) is back. It wouldn't be the same without him.

EDITED TO ADD: I forgot that I watched the premiere of "The Forgotten". Sorry, Christian Slater & company. This is a likely indicator that I will forget to watch next week too.

When Insults had Class

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:55:29 GMT

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die either on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Walter Kerr: "He had delusions of adequacy."

Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway): "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

Moses Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Mark Twain: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Oscar Wilde: "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one."

Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."

Stephen Bishop: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

John Bright: "He is a self-made man, and worships his creator."

Irvin S. Cobb: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Samuel Johnson: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Charles, Count Talleyrand: "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Mark Twain: "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Andrew Lang (1844-1912): "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."

Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it."

Kids and Politics

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:44:13 GMT

Manitoba Premier Gary Doer, head of the New Democratic Party (which, for non-Canadians, leans to the socialist end of the spectrum) stepped down today to become the Canadian ambassador to the United States.

And on the same day I get a political joke.

\0/

***

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day.

Both of her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the NDP Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Why Women Should Not Give Up Wine

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:29:37 GMT

For all my lady friends out there. And their husbands, who don't know better.
***

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Psychic or psycho - you decide

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:10:57 GMT

Last week I dreamed that I went to my chiropractor and discovered that the massage therapist (who rents part of his office) had closed.

I went for my appointment on Saturday morning, saw the massage therapist, and remembered my dream. I jokingly told the receptionist about it and she gave me the strangest look.

Then she said that the MT had been accepted into the police academy and would be closing his business in the next couple weeks. He just found out that week and told them.

Cool, huh?

Bad Advertising

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:09:28 GMT

#1. There is a shop called "Part Source" that is directly behind my bus stop. They sell car parts. When I was waiting for my bus, an employee pulled into the parking lot, got out of his car, and entered the building. His car engine continued to tick for at least 60 seconds before it finally stopped.

I guess they don't offer employee discounts there.

#2. There is billboard on one of my bus routes for Diva Lingerie. It shows an ample bosum in a lacy lilac bra, and has the line "Capture your inner Diva".

Technically, wouldn't a bra be capturing your *outer* diva?

Almost famous - Support your friends

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:36:27 GMT

If you want a certain someone to look good, feel free to go to TV Overmind and check out the articles titled "Give the People What They Want" and "Geek Love". They are in the "Top Stories" boxes at the top of the homepage. Hopefully more viewers will lead to a paycheck.

If you disagree with the writer, say so. I can't believe how many people think that having the lead characters on a show get together is a good thing. No. Just, no. Until the series finale.

Did the writer miss your favourite geek?

Someone thanks you.

Officially too stupid to live

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 02:41:14 GMT

The store brand: (Sobey's) Compliments

The item: essentials... Smooth Peanut Butter

The warning: CAUTION - ALLERGY WARNING
CONTAINS PEANUTS AND MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF SOYA PROTEIN

Tips from Thelma (a shameless ripoff of Hints from Heloise)

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:48:56 GMT

Thelma, here. I have a couple quick cooking suggestions for you, based on the real-life experience of this other broad I know.

PIZZA - if you are at work and want your significant other to start supper by taking the frozen pizza out of the freezer and putting it in the oven, be sure to give very detailed instructions.
1. Set the oven the 425 F. (Repeat these numbers often, or else you may come home to something cooking at 450F and smoking.)
2. Tell him the pizza pan is in the second drawer under the mixing bowls. (It's a good thing we had two because he didn't look at the clean one in the dishrack which was between the oven and the freezer.
3. Take the pizza out of the wrapper.
5. Put it on the tray
6. Put tray into oven.
7. Set the timer for 30 minutes. (Repeat these numbers often, or else you may come home to something cooking at 450F and smoking and he doesn't quite remember when he put it in the oven.)

Do you see what step was missed? #4. Remove the round piece of cardboard from the bottom of the pizza before you put it onto the tray.

Otherwise, the crust doesn't brown and the middle part doesn't get cooked. Also, the pizza sizzles when you pull out the cardboard and the crust hits the pan. So I turned down the oven by 50 degrees and let it cook for 10 more minutes. He didn't say a word.

REHEATING STUFF IN THE MICROWAVE - Cream cheese containers are the perfect size for freezing an individual portion of a side dish. However, make sure that all of the tinfoil lid has been peeled off completely and and that none of it is stuck to the rim. If it isn't and you put it in the microwave, it catches fire, melts, and smokes. And that was all in 4 seconds! The plastic also melts and sticks to the food so you have to throw out everything. (For the record, this was me and not my pizza chef.)

Smut and e-books - TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:04:23 GMT

In my ongoing quest to make a living from my writing, I have come across a couple of online romance publishers: Samhain Publishing and Ellora's Cave. It's pretty much smut, which is good because that's pretty much what I read. Some of it is pretty trashy but a lot of it looks fun and well written. Besides, doesn't everyone keep their panties in the freezer? I'm seriously thinking of trying to write a couple of shorter stories (under novel length) and submitting them for publication to see how it goes. In fact, I started writing my first one last night.

I'm confident in my writing. But not in the genre. Who reads romances? Paranormal romances? Erotica? Has anyone heard of either of these companies? Have you bought any of their books?

I only know one person with a Kindle. Has anyone else bought an e-book? I know some of you download TV shows and music. Would you ever buy an e-book (they are usually under $5)? I think they could be downloaded to an iPhone or iPod, if that would make a difference.

I'm sure my friends would support me in this venture but I'd love to hear who else (besides me) already reads this.

Thanks, pals.

Ooooh, candy!

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 15:11:36 GMT

faninohio is having a blog candy draw. Go check out her stuff. I've bought two of her notebooks through fanmadecreations.com and they are fine indeed.

Harper's Island - The Butler Did It Review

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 14:40:21 GMT

It's over. It's done. It was quite worth the wait. I was entertained for 13 episodes and it was a fun ride.

I was quite happy with the finale of "Harper's Island." I eventually guessed that it was Henry, but only once I was down to 4 suspects and it was really just "well, I have to be right sooner or later." I never had a clue. Also, I didn't really want one; I was just a long for the ride. He was such a nice boy...

I'm quite chuffed that I figured that Jimmy was a red herring (really, it was too obvious to be anything else, but you never can be positive with those tricky writers.) Sully, on the other hand, was starting to give me fits. When he and Danny were guarding the tunnel entrance in the hotel in episode 11 and Wakefield was trying to break through, I was certain - for a moment - that he was going to hit Danny. His behaviour at the beginning was also suspicious for such a self-proclaimed stud.

I would have like to seen a bit more motivation for Henry, or gotten a bit more of his backstory. Then again, how much can you add before it becomes a give-away and not a surprise anymore? Someone on a message board had an interesting idea; Wakefield didn't kill Henry the day of the rampage because he knew he had a son somewhere on the island - he just didn't know which one it was. It also explains how Jimmy got away when he drew Wakefield's attention away from Abby.

I'd like to go back and see if I missed any clues regarding Henry's behaviour and obsession. I know that they were the best of friends but now I want to watch Henry when Abby is in the room and nobody is looking at him to see if he looks at her differently that he should. One thing in particular that I'm looking for (that struck me during the video playback in the last minute of Ep 13) - does Henry ever say, "I love you, TRISH"? Or is it always "babe" or "sweetheart" or "honey". Because if he doesn't, I'd like to think that he was always saying "Abby" in his head.

Other places have mentioned that it seems over the top for Henry to go through with the wedding to get Abby back to the Island, but I remember at the beginning Abby said that Henry is the only reason that she would ever go back home. She wouldn't go back to see her dad; she wouldn't go back to see her boyfriend. Only for Henry would she even consider it. Also, THE BOY IS CRAZY. It could very well make sense is his twisted little mind, especially with input from Daddy Dearest.

I also think that the killings took place in the correct order, for the most part. The first people to go were the ones who could stop the wedding - the minister, and the local girl who was convincing Abby to leave. Also, Henry's family was killed off at the beginning. I'm not sure of the whole Uncle Marty thing, but doesn't JD's behaviour take on a whole new light if you think he may have suspected his brother of mass murder. JD didn't want to be there, remember? Henry and Wakefield didn't have anything to do with Booth, but they couldn't let Malcolm cave and confess and call the cops. Next to go were the men in Trish's family and her bridesmaids. Henry and Wakefield obviously couldn't let the sheriff and deputy live and call in reinforcements to stop the fun. The wedding planner and bargirl were collateral damage, and Shane could have helped Abby escape. This left Henry and his friends, and Abby and Jimmy. Abby was right; Jimmy stayed alive as long as he did to keep suspicion off Henry. Also, I think that Henry knew Abby needed someone to cling to in order to stay sane, and it couldn't be him until Trish was dead. The last to go were the ones who trusted Henry the most.

Shea and Madison are officially the STUPIDEST mother/daughter team on the planet. Mom, I know you are tired but please keep an eye on your girl to make sure she doesn't wander away AGAIN to talk to the SERIAL KILLER. And Madison, sweetheart, if you are kidnapped, be sure to tell Mommy that the bad man had a helper instead of complimenting the room-service while you were in captivity. Shea needs a Kevlar vest surgically attached because that little girl of hers is a freaking menace and will off her as soon as she hits puberty; I'd bet on it.

The DVDs come out in September and amazon.ca says there are deleted scenes and commentaries and stuff. I want to know how they put this together, and what got cut to see if it would have made a difference. I'm pretty sure I'm going to order them. They are pre-order priced at less than $40, I think.

So, overall, aside from the weak motive, I was very happy with this show. Kudos to the writers for putting together a relatively tight, but always well-written, series, and to the actors that brought it to life. Thanks a bunch for a great summer.

TV Watchers - help!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:23:50 GMT

I need your help. I'm trying to compile two lists. One of Male/Female lead partners and co-stars who were NOT romantically active in the series story, and a second where they eventually were. Please give me the shows you remember.

Partners - but not romantically:

1. JAG - Harmon Rabb and Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie
2. X-Files - Fox Mulder and Dana Scully
3. Bones - Seeley Booth and Temperance Brennan (barely)
4. Castle - Rick Castle and Kate Beckett (new show)
5. Burn Notice - Michael Westen and Fiona Glenanne

Partner - in bed and out

1. Moonlighting - David Addison and Maddie Hayes

BONUS QUESTION - do you want leads to get together, or do you want to want them to get together?

I don't want to count shows like CSI as they have too many main characters. I'm looking mainly for partner shows. Hit me!

Older women rock!

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:50:21 GMT

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40+ YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

"NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

Wipeout!

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:13:55 GMT

I've been out rollerblading twice in the last week and I've done pretty well. I didn't overdo it or stretch anything so I wasn't sore the next day.

Then I went out after work with my girlfriend. We were trying the new bike path that runs along the creek by my house. I tested it out on Canada Day and was anxious to show her a new route. To get onto the trail, we have to go down a steep hill off the bridge to get to the creek. On Canada Day, I decided that it was too steep and the cement was too rough to skate down, so I walked (on my rollerblades) down the grass on the side of the path.

Since the incline of the hill hadn't changed in the past 6 days, so I decided to do that again.

However...

the grass has dried out and the ground underneath has become much harder. So I stepped off the path and instead of standing on the nice soft turf, I immediately began rolling down the very steep hill. For about 3 feet. Then both feet came out from under me.

I landed hard and bruised my pride, which it turns out is located in my left buttock. I also skinned my left elbow. I stopped wearing my elbow pads last year. I can't remember why at the moment. I landed pretty hard on my left hand too, but was wearing my wristguards, so it only bruised and didn't break. (I was also wearing kneepads but they weren't necessary.

This is my first bad fall since I got my rollerblades four years ago. I can live without another one. As we were changing back into our shoes, I took a look at my wheels and they are in BAD shape. I don't know if that had anything to do with the fall or not (seriously.) I'm pricing out replacements tomorrow.

So the moral of this story is... keep off the grass!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:45:35 GMT

and ninjas! I desperately want to read this book.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies -- "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.

Jane Austen is the author of Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Mansfield Park, and other masterpieces of English literature.

Seth Grahame-Smith once took a class in English literature. He lives in Los Angeles.

The story follows the plot of Pride and Prejudice, but places the novel in an alternative universe version of 19th century England where zombies roam the countryside. The undead are generally viewed as a troublesome nuisance, albeit a deadly one, and their presence often affects the plot of the story in subtle ways — messages between houses are sometimes lost when the couriers are captured and eaten; characters openly discuss and judge the zombie-fighting abilities of others; women weigh the pros and cons of carrying a musket (it provides safety, but is considered "unladylike").

Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters live on a countryside estate with their parents. Mr. Bennet trains his daughters in martial arts and weapons, molding them into a fearsome zombie-fighting army. On the other hand, Mrs. Bennet plans to marry the girls off to wealthy suitors. When the wealthy Mr. Bingley purchases a nearby county house, Mrs. Bennet spies an opportunity and sends the girls to the first ball where Bingley is expected to appear. The girls defend the party from a zombie attack, and Mr. Bingley and eldest daughter Jane begin a relationship. Elizabeth, meanwhile, spars with the haughty monster-hunter Fitzwilliam Darcy, a friend of Bingley. Although Elizabeth and Darcy strongly dislike each other at first, their common interest of zombie-killing draws them closer together.

The Bennets are shaken when Bingley suddenly abandons his country home and returns to the walled fortress city of London; they assume he has left because of the zombies (who eat his household servants). When the local militia arrives in town to dig up and destroy dead bodies, one of the soldiers, George Wickham, tells Elizabeth that Darcy cheated him out of an inheritance.

Elizabeth's dislike of Darcy turns into full-blown hatred when she learns that Darcy plotted to separate Bingley from her sister Jane. As demanded by her warrior's code of honor, she vows to avenge the slight to her family by killing Darcy. Later that evening, she is afforded that opportunity when he appears unannounced at the cottage where she is staying, but before she can fetch her katana and behead him, he surprises her again by proposing marriage. The scene culminates in a vicious verbal and physical fight, where Darcy is wounded. He eventually escapes with his life and writes a long letter to Elizabeth in which he explains his actions. He broke up Jane and Bingley out of fear that Jane had contracted the "mysterious plague" and was about to turn into a zombie. With regards to the wronged soldier, Darcy explains that Wickham had attempted to elope with Darcy's younger sister in an attempt to get his hands on her considerable fortune — this was the "inheritance" that Darcy had cheated the man out of. Elizabeth realizes that she has judged Darcy too harshly, and is humbled. Darcy, meanwhile, realizes that his arrogant nature encourages people to believe the rumors about him, and resolves to act more appropriately.

Elizabeth embarks on a trip around the country, fighting zombies along the way. At Pemberley she runs into Darcy, who helps her to defeat a rampaging horde of zombies. Darcy's new attitude and mannerisms impress Elizabeth and lead her to consider reconciling their relationship. Unfortunately, her tour of duty is cut short when her younger sister Lydia elopes to London with Wickham. The Bennet family expects the worst, but later discovers that Wickham has changed his ways and seeks to settle down into a proper marriage with Lydia. Darcy and Bingley return to the countryside, and Jane and Bingley resume their relationship. Elizabeth hopes to do the same with Darcy, but his aunt (the Lady Catherine) interferes, insisting that her daughter Anne is a better match for her nephew. Lady Catherine challenges Elizabeth to a fight to the death, intent on eliminating the competition, but Elizabeth defeats Catherine and her cadre of ninjas. She spares Catherine's life. Darcy is touched by this gesture, and he returns to Elizabeth's side. The two cheerfully wipe out a field of zombies (their first battle as a couple) and begin a long and happy future together.

2009 - and a half

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:05:16 GMT

It's the first of July, the first day of the second half of the year. So I'm dusting off my bucket list to see what I've can cross off.

32. Learn how to make fudge. Check. I got a fool-proof microwave recipe from the lovely Mrs. GwenniePennie and it worked. I'm going to tweak it a little but I got it out of the pan without having to use a spoon, and I could cut it without it crumbling. Thanks, Gwennie!

6.   Speak to everybody at the Supernatural convention (L.A. March 2009) at least once.  Check. Granted, I mostly hung around with the people I went there to meet, but I did talk to a lot of people. I even got up a couple time to ask questions during the panels. And I spoke - relatively intelligently - to everyone who gave me an autograph. and who came to the dessert party. At the very least, drooling was at a minimum. The con will be one of the highlights of my life, not for the Supernatural, but for the fact that I went.

14. Try a new recipe every month. Check. Most recently, I've made the fudge, and a white sauce for pasta (not very good, but it's a good base). I have collected a few more to try, including Imperial Cookies and Apricot Chicken Curry.

15. Find guinea pigs for said recipes. Check. My long-suffering significant other usually gets stuck with the job but my co-workers are getting some fudge tomorrow.

25.  Get back into languages.  Check. I picked up teach yourself "Japanese for Busy People" book at the Children's Hospital book sale in April. I'm not reading it in-depth at the moment as I'm back in class but I'm flipping through it. It is very cool. This is the first time I'm going to have to learn a new alphabet.

***
Things to add to the Bucket List.

36. Place in a screenwriting contest. Winning would be better.
37. Publish an e-book.
38. Buy an outfit at Brooks Brothers in L.A. Yes, I got hooked on Rodeo Drive. BB has amazing stuff. Oh, my word.  I want it all.
39. Take an air-boat tour of the bayou in Louisiana.
40. Go to New Orleans. "Cafe du Monde" for beignets, Bourbon Street, cemetery tour. It doesn't have to be over Mardi Gras.

Thelma and "Christmas in (almost) July" Winners

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:59:39 GMT

I am please to say that both faninohio and dnalia both get picked for playing this year's Christmas in July.

As it stands, in my next script.

Camilia Forrestal will be the spirit haunting her sister until she gets revenge on the doctor who killed her.

Dr. Leticia Bronson will be the evil neuro-scientist whose experiment is responsible for Camilia's condition.

Of course, these are subject to change according to notes and rewrites.

And I'm also please to announce that I got my groove back! I had an idea about a ghost in the hall but when I sat down for this class I couldn't make it work. So I salted-and-burned the ghost and wrote up the idea without it. I ended up with a "con the conman" movie. Which, it turns out, is SAME EXACT MOVIE I JUST FINISHED WRITING. So I said, "Thelma!" (Sometimes I call myself Thelma.) "Thelma," I sez, "Just because movies come in a box, it doesn't mean you have to think in one."

So now I am please and excited and confident to inform you all that I found a way to keep the ghost by making her not exactly a ghost. Trust me, it works. It also solves a whole slew of second act problems. (Anybody who has written a screenplay knows how important that is.) I finally found the format and it turns out that I won't be writing a supernatural/psychological drama but will be writing a supernatural/sci-fi thriller. I looked outside the box and found a new playground... sci-fi! I visit here a lot with my movie collection; it just never occured that I could play in the same sandbox. I need to listen to my inner Thelma more often.

Music Meme

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 14:17:51 GMT

Awesome meme from faryfly . Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think!

Pick Your Artist:
The Eagles

Are you male or female:
Witchy Woman.

How do you feel about yourself:
Love Will Keep Us Alive

Describe where you currently live:
In the City

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Hotel California.

Your favorite form of transportation:
Midnight Flyer .

Your best friend is:
The Girl from Yesterday

You and your best friends are:
Pretty Maids All in a Row

Your favorite color is:
Tequila Sunrise.

What's the weather like:
No More Cloudy Days

Favorite time of day:
One of These Nights

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
The Last Resort

What is life to you:
Last Good Time In Town

Your last relationship:
After the Thrill Is Gone.

Your current relationship:
The Best of My Love

Your fear:
I Dreamed There Was No War

What is the best advice you have to give:
Get Over It

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Doolin-Dalton

Thought for the day:
Take It to the Limit

How I would like to die:
Peaceful Easy Feeling .

My soul's present condition:
Busy Being Fabulous

My motto:
Learn to Be Still

Christmas in June/July

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:46:07 GMT

My Christmas in July post is coming to a close this weekend because my class opens on Monday.

I'm offering up the opportunity for immortality this year for Christmas in July. Again. I'm starting my new script at the end of the month and there are some character names up for grabs.

Originally, I was going to write a screwball romantic comedy murder mystery, but apparently it's not finished gelling in my head yet and the plot is not ready to go. So instead I'm going to write a slightly supernatural suspense/thriller, a la "The Sixth Sense."

So, if you'd like to submit a character name (male or female, I need both) and are willing to let me use it gratis in my second soon-to-be-Oscar-willing script , just leave a comment.

Last year's winner awmalory named a minor character who, in rewrites, became the secondary villain.

Enter here, or at the original entry.

Christmas in June/July

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:17:03 GMT

Hello my Friends! And Friends of Friends, if you are surfing somebody else's Friends page.

I'm offering up the opportunity for immortality this year for Christmas in July. Again. I'm starting my new script at the end of the month and there are some character names up for grabs.

Originally, I was going to write a screwball romantic comedy murder mystery, but apparently it's not finished gelling in my head yet and the plot is not ready to go. So instead I'm going to write a slightly supernatural suspense/thriller, a la "The Sixth Sense."

So, if you'd like to submit a character name (male or female, I need both) and are willing to let me use it gratis in my second soon-to-be-Oscar-willing script , just leave a comment.

Last year's winner awmalory named a minor character who, in rewrites, became the secondary villain.

... and that's how the fight started.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:19:46 GMT

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

* * *

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

* * *

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

* * *

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

* * *

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

* * *

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

* * *

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

* * *

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

* * *

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

* * *

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

Desperately Seeking Cure for PMS

Thu, 21 May 2009 18:41:55 GMT

Come on, my friends, help me out. Please! The chocolate isn't working anymore. Any other suggestions?